Finally finished a first draft of a script for a show.... a lot of ideas to finalize. Some to subtract, some to add, a lot of formatting issues
Below the Bridge – A Space Force Story
“Not the Pilot”
By Nathan Nolan
Maddox Maddocks walks out of the shuttle pod to an empty deck. The sign on deck says welcome pilot!
Maddox (to himself) -“Well, I know I am not the new pilot, but you’d think that someone would at least be here to great me on my first day!”
Voice comes in overhead, the voice comes from Julio the shuttle bay operator
Julio - Excuse me sir, could you exit immediately to the corridor to your left.
Maddox – Wait, but where do I go from there
Julio – Not my department. Now can you please exit the shuttle bay.
Maddox – But seriously where do I go
Julio – You go out of my shuttle bay
Maddox – Yes but after that where do I go?
Julio – Not here
Maddox is quiet for a moment. He looks around the room.
Maddox – But where do I leave?
Julio – (quietly with a sigh) Ugh not this again, what was your name officer?
Maddox – uh its Maddox, Maddox Maddocks
Julio – Is that your first or last name?
Maddox – Both...... my parents thought they were funny
Julio – I am sure they did. But to be honest crewman I really don’t care
Maddox – But it’s funny, no?
Julio – No, it is not
Maddox – Really, because it really seems like if I met someone with basically the same first and last name, I would think it was pretty funny
Julio – I mean I guess it would if I cared
Maddox – Well that’s cold
Julio – I am not the ships counselor, I just run the shuttle bay
Maddox – Now that’s a good thing that you aren’t the counselor because if you were you would be kind of shit at your job
Julio – Ok, Now please exit through the door to the corridor to your left
Maddox starts to move to his right
Julio – Where are you going?
Maddox – You said to go to your left
Julio – Yes, I said to your left, you are going to the right
Maddox turns in a circle and still goes to his right
Julio – I really have better things to do than hold your hands as to what left and right is. Space Force standards are really going down the drain
Maddox corrects his direction with an embarrassed look on his face, as he exits the bay
Julio – (Heavy Sigh) Time for an Esquire classic
The corridor is large metal grey and empty. He looks at the place on the wall. It reads Welcome to the UESF Excalibur May she always strike true. Maddox then looks at the monitor on the wall to see if he can find his name and room assignment. His name is not on the new arrivals report, instead he sees that his name has been reported on the killed in action list
Maddox- Excalibur, who do I report an error in status to?
Excalibur computer - All inquiries and requests will be routed through me to the correct officer.
Maddox- I have been reported as killed in action.
Excalibur- Please state your full name and access code for assistance
Maddox- Maddox Maddocks access number 61532
Excalibur makes beeping error noises
Excalibur- Access denied, officer is listed as deceased
Maddox – Yes that is the error I am looking to correct.
Excalibur computer makes processing noises then error noises
Excalibur – Access denied, officer is listed as deceased
Maddox – Can you tell me where the Starship Resources office is
Excalibur computer makes processing noises then error noises
Excalibur – Access denied, officer is listed as deceased
Maddox exasperated throws his hands in the air. Maddox looks like he has an idea. He walks away from the console and walks back
Maddox (changes his voice and accent to a British one)– Hullo Excalibur. I am quite new here. Would thoust be able to help me find Starship Resources
Excalibur – Just because you are dead there is no need to be racist, alerting sickbay to a corpse littering the corridors.
Maddox – Ugh, I will never get anywhere with this computer
Maddox walks down the corridor hoping he can find another crew member. The ships large corridors are empty. An alert is flashing on the panels in this section. The alert on the panel reads "Caution corpse in section 5 Beta. As he approaches a People Lift the door opens, out pours a medical officer. Kate, the staff doctor holds a scanner in her hand and bumps into Maddox as she is too absorbed in her scanner
Kate – Oh excuse me, have you seen a corpse anywhere round here, the computer is giving me an alert that there is a corpse in the corridors. My scanner says he is right here. A poor soul named Maddox Maddocks, ewe what a crappy name, I mean his parents just had to hate him. It sucks he is dead he is supposed to be my new medical assistant. It’s odd, the computer has this corpse walking around.
Maddox raises his hand
Maddox- Hu, that’s me
Kate screams and backs off slowly
Kate – G G G G Ghost.....
Maddox (shakes his head) – Nope not quite, Excalibur just thinks I am dead
Kate – Uhm, so then are you from the zombie planet, Romero 5? Don’t eat me.... I just got a new holoprogam I haven’t even played yet! My cats will be lonely! I am too young to die!
Maddox – I am so not going to eat you, I mean I am vegetarian this week
Kate – Whew....... What’s being dead like? Are you sure you are dead? I mean you do sort of look lifeless so I can believe it.
Maddox – Wait what? You mean I look lifeless? Way to make a good first impression. I think I must have pissed off the shuttle guy and he marked me as dead somehow
Kate – Of course. (Kate shakes her head) Julio must be on duty. Did you try to exit to the right?
Maddox (taken aback) – Hey he was yelling at me, I got all flustered. I mean I barely remember left from right in the best of situations
Kate grabs Maddox's hand. Maddox looks slightly horrified. Kate raises Maddox's left hand and puts it in an upward position. She then lightly pulls his thumb perpendicular.
Kate – Look at your hand
Maddox looks at his hand
Kate – See the L. That’s how you tell this is your left arm
Maddox looks in awe. He then holds up his right arm and looks disappointed
Maddox – What if I get the L confused with the backwards L on my right hand.
Kate looks down and brings her palm to her head
Kate – But Maddox, I am Doctor Kate Saxton, but you can call me Kate (she holds out her hand and he shakes it, a look of shock and realization fly over his face) Let's get you to Starship Resources to see if they can't get you undead. I really am glad that you aren't dead. You’re my new medical assistant, and I hate going through applications. Ugh hiring is the worst.
Maddox – Thanks Kate. Hopefully I didn't make a bad first impression
Kate – Oh you did, but you’ll fit in perfectly on this ship.
Maddox and Kate walk into Starship resources and up to the desk. The officer there looks up from her computer monitor.
Maddox (extending his hand) - Hi I am new on the ship and was hoping you could help me with something?
Wanda – HI I am Wanda Banks. You're new here, awesome. You are not Doug Jacobs, are you?
Maddox (shaking his head) - Nope, not the pilot
Wanda – Pheww, thank god!
Maddox – Hey, what's that supposed to mean
Wanda – It's just you don't strike me as a pilot. How can I help you? Did you need forms to fill out for an accommodation?
Maddox – I don’t think I have a disability. I mean I hope you don’t just look at me and say, oh there is a disabled new officer on my ship, not that there is anything wrong with being disabled.
Wanda – Well, I can tell you are a rambler. What can the assistant manager of Starship Relations do for you
Maddox – Oh maybe she can help
Wanda – She is me
Maddox – Well that was awkward, I mean open my mouth put my foot firmly in awkward
Wanda – No really you are cute in a weirdly awkward way but what can I do for you?
Maddox – The computer thinks I am dead.
Wanda –I don't think I have an accommodation form for that
Maddox – But I am not dead, how do I fix it
Wanda – Are you sure you are not dead? I mean you are so pale.
Kate – I asked the same thing
Wanda laughs and they high five
Maddox – Hey I have fair skin, I burn easily
Wanda – I am sure you do. Ok sweetheart what is your name?
Maddox – Maddox Maddocks
Wanda cringes – Did your parents hate you?
Kate – Great minds think a like! (another high five between the two ladies)
Maddox – No.... they just thought they were funny. My mom and dad traded off. My mom named my older sister, Elizabeth. Elizabeth Maddocks, that is a perfectly sensible name. But my dad wanted Maddox.
Kate – So like your whole life, your name has been a prank
Wanda – Now your mother should have known better than that, my husband wanted to name our children after cheese
Kate – Oh okay, like Colby or Brick
Wanda – No like Velveeta
Kate – Wow, that’s like setting her up in life on the stripper path
Wanda – I know that’s exactly what I told him
Maddox – That’s hilarious but Excalibur thinks I am dead
Kate – Wow, what a buzz kill
Wanda pushes a few buttons on her touch screen
Wanda – Yep, you are dead.
Wanda types a few more buttons on her screen. She shakes her head
Wanda – Ugh, you went right didn't you
Maddox – You know, he was really loud and yelled at me. It's only natural that someone would get flustered. And when I get flustered I forget which direction to go.
Wanda – Don't get your uniform in a bunch. Fill out these forms, and bring them back to me
Maddox walks away to one of the floating chairs in the lounge
Wanda leans in to Kate
Wanda – You know I actually don't hate this one. He has some spunk. Try not to let him get Centauri Measles like your last assistant.
Kate – I mean I'll try, but that last one was the second one that got them. Maybe I should just get rid of that sample. The lid always was a little tricky.
Wanda – Please do, I hate filling out all of that paperwork for officer accidents. And plus they turn into Centaurs with that disease.
Maddox bounces back with his electronic forms
Maddox – Here you go!
A few minutes later Maddox is in the hallway looking for his quarters.
Maddox – Excalibur, how much farther until cabin 543
Excalibur – I do apologize, I didn’t realize who I was dealing with. Let me makes sure you get to where you are going by taking a hard-holographic form, grabbing your hand and escorting you to your cabin.
Maddox – OMG, that would be glorious, can you really do that? I have had a rough day!
Excalibur – (quietly like a cough) Moron (coughing afterwards)
Maddox – Excalibur, do you need to go to the medical bay? Can ships have colds?
Excalibur – (quietly) This guy is such a moron he will fit in perfectly on this ship
Maddox – Oh no, now your volume controls are going whacky, I couldn’t even hear you! Can Kate help?
Excalibur – I don't know if you can! But to end this conversation I will let you know your cabin is to your left. (Maddox turns to his right). I said to your left
Maddox – Thanks Excalibur
Maddox walks through the door to his new quarters. He walks in and finds a mess. There are clothes all over the room. Plates from earlier in the day are on the table
Maddox – Excalibur, did you send me to the correct room?
Excalibur – Space on a Space Force vessel is at a premium; all junior officers are required to share a room with a roommate. Yours has been here for a few months.
Maddox walks into the quarters. He sees the main living area with two adjoining bedrooms
Maddox – Hello is anybody home?
(Lance calls out from the bathroom area)
Lance – In Here.
(Lance opens the door and walks out)
(Lance is wearing only a towel as he strides over to Maddox)
(The scene goes into slow motion as Maddox takes in his roommate. Lance walks over with the walk of a sex god. He has swagger. When he blinks his eyes seem to twinkle)
Lance – Hi I am Lance Braddock, are you my new roommate?
Maddox – Hi I am Maddox
Lance – Maddox? I thought they said you had died and were reassigning me a new roommate. You aren't from Romero 5 are you?
Maddox – Does that place really even exist?
Lance – You would be surprised what crazy things you'll see out here on the edge of known space. I was worried as I heard a pasty complexion is often a symptom of the Romero system virus
Maddox holds out his hand
Maddox – It is nice to meet you
Lance grabs Maddox's hand and shakes it. Lances towel falls to the ground. Maddox faints from excitement. Maddox comes to as Lance is almost about to give him mouth to mouth
Lance – Are you alright? I was worried that you might have died again.
Maddox – I just must not have eaten today. Coming back to life takes a lot out of you
Lance looks a little concerned, tilts his head inquisitively
Lance – Hmm, I guess it would, I have never died.
Maddox looks at Lance sideways
Maddox – You know that was just a joke, right?
Lance nods and then smiles a little
Lance – Oh good that would be weird otherwise. Ooh if you are hungry give me a few minutes and we can go to the Officers Cantina, as long as you are not really infected with the Romero virus. Space Force frowns on eating fellow officers
Maddox – Ok. I could get a bite to eat! I mean non-human officers, I mean normal food that normal humans eat, I am human.
As Lance walks off to his room his towel falls off again. His ass looks like it was sculpted by the gods
Maddox (quietly) - This is going to be an interesting assignment
The Officers Cantina
Lance and Maddox walk into the Officers Cantina
Lance – This is The Officers Cantina, it’s usually pretty quiet, but at least once a week some action or deep conversation seems to happen here.
Maddox – How convenient
Lance takes Maddox up to the bar.
Lance – I will take a milk and whiskey please.
Maddox makes a disgusted face
Maddox – MILK and whiskey?
Lance- Yes, didn’t your parents ever tell you to drink your milk every day?
The server comes back with Lances drink, she is an attractive young woman. Lance is obviously ogling her and leans in to have a conversation. Maddox notices Kate and Wanda from earlier today and walks over to the table they are seated at
Kate (whispering to Wanda) - Don’t look now, its my new medical assistant
Wanda (whispering) - Ooh, I remember, the dead one, right?
Kate (whispering) - I am worried if he can’t tell right from left
Wanda (whispering) - Girl, you know Julio is a dick. Like I told you earlier, I kind of like this one
Maddox- Hi ladies! Thanks for your help earlier today!!!
Kate – Maddox! Pull up a chair!
Maddox pulls up a seat facing the bar
Wanda – Is Lance your roommate? He is delicious!
Kate – Whew, I wouldn’t mind giving him a physical
Wanda – Well then, I would have to do all type of paperwork. Good thing I am good with dictation
They both laugh
Maddox just whist fully stares in Lances direction and sighs.
Kate- Oh boy, he has got it bad….
Wanda- Kid, you’ve got an adorable personality, but you are like a 5, and pasty. Lt Braddock is a perfect 10 on his worst day. He is scrumptious, mmm
Maddox – I know I usually just chip chip chip away at them until they just see this adorable goofball that I am, it has worked so many times. I always play the long game.
Kate – I don’t think he has enough brain cells for the long game, I like to think of him and his buddy Kale as goldfish. Pretty to look at but dumb as a box of rocks.
Wanda – oooh Kate…. You are too much.
Kate and Wanda high five each other
The server comes around
Sever – Hi ladies and gentle sir, I’m Ida-Claire. It’s one of my first shifts here
Maddox waves to the server
Maddox – Hello Ida-Claire. I do declare my name is Maddox! I’m new here too.
Ida-Claire – Yay, are you going to the Starship Orientation tomorrow?
Maddox – Wait there is an orientation here, that has to be the cheesiest thing I ever heard of.
Wanda – You know I run that right? Hello Starship Resources here.
Maddox – By cheesiest I mean good, I mean cheese is delicious. I love cheese!
Wanda – Don't worry, you are right it is cheesy as hell, and yes you better be there tomorrow.
Maddox – I wouldn’t miss it, wouldn’t miss it for the world
Ida-Claire –Good, I got as buddy to sit next to then. Y’all ready to order anything?
Kate – Round of drinks for me and my friends here.
Ida-Claire – Any drinks in particular, or y’all want me to wrangle up some mint juleps?
Wanda – I'll have Sex on a Beach
Ida-Claire – The drink? Or are you offering a hot night in the Holo-Plex?
Wanda – Well at first I was thinking of the drink but now....
Ida-Claire - And you Kate?
Kate – What I had before. A double shot of whiskey, a long island iced tea and a beer chaser.
Kate – Well aren’t you thirstier than Julio Ryan at a debate.
Wanda- Aren’t you on call tonight?
Kate- Aren’t you off the clock? Besides, miss starship resources, I can just inject myself with NoDrunk and it will all be good.
Ida-Claire – And you funny guy?
Maddox – Well, uhh uhm
Ida-Claire – Spit it out sugar! You act like a zombie bit your tongue out.
Maddox – I know it’s ridiculous but my roommate just mentioned a drink on the way here and it’s all I can think about. It has to be the most disgusting thing but I am just so curious about it. Oh so very curious about it.
Kate – Oh no don’t order it
Wanda – Oh not that drink
Ida-Claire – Shug, who is your roommate?
Maddox – Lance
Ida-Claire – Oh no you're really wanting one of those?
Maddox – I mean we all should drink a little more milk, right? I mean it really can’t be all that horrible can it?
Ida-Claire – Your funeral right? One milk and whiskey coming up, I’m going to bring you a side drink just in case
Maddox – Thanks Ida-Claire
Ida-Claire walks to the bar area
Kate – Maddox haven’t you had enough of a near death experience for one day?
Maddox – I mean it can’t be that bad can it?
Wanda – Drinking the same drink as him is not going to get you into his pants
Maddox – But you know, maybe he will see me drink it and say that’s someone who likes to try new things. Then he will start to realize how truly amazing I am and then fall head over heels in love
Kate – Wow, you have an extremely high impression of yourself, don’t you?
Maddox – Well if I don’t who will?
Wanda – Actually that is a good point
Lance comes over with his friend
Lance – This is Maddox, they guy I was talking to you about. Kale, this is Maddox
Kale and Maddox shake hands
Kale – Whoa, you were like dead today. How did you do that? You are not feeling stiff or anything? You are pale so I mean that is like one of the first signs, do you have a inexplicably hunger to et me or Lance
Kate pokes Maddox in the side as she notices Maddox drooling at the thought of Kale and Lance together
Kate – Officer, no worries, Maddox may look infected but shows no sign of the Romero virus
Maddox – No virus, you want to know what my secret is, its Magic!
Kale – Oh wow cool! A magic dude! I thought you were going to say you turned right or something. I don’t know how but that is the leading cause of death on this ship.
Lance – I know I don’t get how so many people die from a direction. Doc you should like start an investigation into it or something
Kate – Uhm wow Lance, what a great idea!
Wanda – Absolutely!!!
Kate and Wanda giggle, leaning into each other. Lance and Kale look proud of their suggestion
Ida-Claire reproaches the table with the drink order
Lance – Yes! You got a Milk and Whiskey
Maddox – Yes, I decided I really do need to try new things in life
Maddox takes a sip of his drink
He wants to spit it out and his face initially shows his distaste, he realizes that Lance is watching and smiles
Maddox – Wow that is delicious
Lance – It really does pack a nice punch doesn’t it
Maddox- Join us?
Maddox waves his hand in an inviting gesture
Kale – we were going to the ships gym if you want to meet us after you are done eating with these lovely ladies
Maddox – Probably not, I need to leave the heavy lifting to someone
Lance waves to them as they head towards the door. Wanda swoons. Kate rolls her eyes.
Wanda – I guess you can’t have looks and brains
Kate – I don’t know I think I have both!
Wanda – You have brains?
Maddox – I don’t think I have either
Kate – yeah no.
Wanda starts laughing
Maddox (waving his hand) – Ida-Claire I need a new drink
The doors to the cantina opens
In walks Diana Chamberlain the captain of the ship. She is off duty and proudly wearing a Union jack shirt over her uniform pants
Diana – Bonjour mon braves! You do not have to stand on my account (in a heavy French accent)
The room sits down and goes about their business
Diana approaches the table with Kate and Wanda
Diana – Bonjour, you are new here, are you not?
Maddox stands up and shakes her hand
Maddox – Hello I am Maddox
Diana - Oh phew, I was worried you were Doug our new pilot, thank god you are not the pilot.
Maddox – No ma’am… or sir….. or ma’am
Diana – Didn't I read a report that you had been killed on arrival
Maddox – That was a bit of a mix-up, as you can see I am absolutely alive
Diana – Unless you have the Romero virus
Maddox- I have been getting that a lot, I mean do I really look like a Romero virus victim?
Diana – Ah in the beginning you look the same just deathly pale. Zis would not be the first time I have been fooled by a zombie. In London I was married to one for a few years
Maddox- Oh you are from England……
Diana- Yes I was born and raised in London. Sacre Bleu everyone is so surprised I am from London. It is the greatest city in the world
Maddox – it sure is sir. It is a pleasure to be on your ship
Diana- Tres Bien! Au Revoir!
Diana walks away
Wanda – You make great first impressions kid, you might make the bridge crew, in 20 years
Kate – Yeah you might want to work on your first impression skills, I almost used the emergency hatch to blow you out into space
Maddox – OMG, did you really think I had the Romero virus?
Kate – No
Maddox takes a second to think about it then his face distorts to shock
Wanda – Brutal
Maddox- Maybe I should just volunteer for a mission to Romero 5, just so I can infect you with this virus
Wanda – Good luck catching anyone with those chicken legs
Kate – I think he would have a hard time infecting anyone with those choppers too
Back in Maddox’s quarters
Maddox is talking to Excalibur
Maddox – Excalibur what are the symptoms of the Romero virus and how does one contract it
Excalibur – You do not have the Romero 5 virus
Maddox – Yes but like how can you be sure that I don’t have the Romero 5 virus?
Excalibur – Have you been to Romero 5?
Maddox – No, I don’t even know where the Romero system is
Excalibur – It has been noted that you are extremely pale, but have you exhibited any of the other signs of zombie-ism? Has your heart stopped beating?
Maddox – (Feels over his heart) No it is still beating
Excalibur – Do you have an insatiable hunger for flesh
Maddox – I mean I have been having some carnal thoughts about my new roommate if those counts
Excalibur – (Makes a computing error noise) Error, all computer models show that Lt Braddock is well outside of your league, computer models show that your most likely match on this starship is Julio
Maddox – Excalibur, are you kidding me? Julio? Everybody hates him, and besides he had me listed as dead in the system, I don’t even understand how he even has a job in Space Force
Excalibur – His full name is Julio Esquire
Maddox – Oh the Esquires? Wow how is he on this ship?
Excalibur – He is the Nephew of the president, he has been assigned to this ship due to its lack of importance, he scored historically low on the aptitude test to get into Space Force.
Maddox – I feel like we have gotten off course, do computers get off track anyway?
Excalibur - Are you reduced to communicating solely through moans?
Maddox – No, I mean I feel like I am communicating to you via language? But then wouldn’t the universal translator just translate it for me? And would I really know if I was just moaning? And what if I was really just a zombie on Romero 5 and this was all in my head?
Excalibur – (error noises) Maddox, get a life
Just at that moment Lance walks back into the quarters. He enters with a beautiful woman in one arm and a muscular man in the next arm.
Lance – Oh guys this is my new roommate Maddox, he was dead a few hours ago
Woman – Oh wow that’s scary
Man – Oh man, that must be why you are so pasty
Lance – No, he told me that’s just how he always looks
Man – Oh man, I am sorry that’s awful. Maybe he is allergic to the sun
They giggle as Lance leads them into his room
Man – Nice to meet you
Woman – See you around
Lance – Hope we don’t keep you up
They walk into Lances room
Maddox waits until the door to his room closes and lets his smile fade
Maddox – Excalibur I think you may be right about Lance.
Maddox walks over to the food dispenser
Maddox - Can I have a Milk and Whiskey, hold the milk.
(Drink comes out of the dispenser )
Excalibur (quietly) – Dumbass
The next day
There is a classroom, a sign on the Wall Says Welcome to Starship Orientation.
Maddox and Ida-Claire walk in at the same time.
The room is huge but they are the first ones here
Maddox – We must be extremely early, look at all the empty chairs
Ida-Claire – I know, especially since I heard this ship has an extremely high mortality rate. I mean the server who I took over for died on an away mission
Maddox – They took a server from the Cantina on an away mission?
Ida-Claire – I know, that makes me a little nervous. No that makes more nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs
Maddox – Wow, that’s nervous
Ida-Claire – I know, that’s more nervous than Hillary Clinton’s e-mail server at a Russian bar
Maddox – You know, I hear the United Earth Congress is almost done with the investigation into her server. About time, she’s been dead for well over a hundred years
Ida-Claire – But y’all, what about her clone, what if she runs as president of the clone planet
Maddox – But, is she really cloned, I mean like I think that would be news?
Ida-Claire – It is if you listen to the right news channels
Maddox – And where is this clone planet? Is it a whole planet of clones? Because what if the clones had babies? Then they wouldn’t be clones, maybe the clones are sterile? You know, because then there would be the need for more clones. And why would they elect a woman from like over 150 years in the past, it makes no sense I tell you, absolutely no sense. I mean we didn’t even have light speed drive when she was alive. Our spaceships were a joke back then, and we really didn’t clone people back then, so that would definitely not be my first choice for Clone World President
Ida-Claire – You know, I never actually thought through. You are awfully smart Maddox!
Maddox shrugs as Ida- Claire looks at him with big wide eyes
The doors open and several new officers come into the room. The room fills. Wanda walks in
Wanda – Welcome all of our new officers! Let’s start by doing a get to know you game, think of it as an icebreaker. You are paired with your desk mate. Get to know them like you would be giving their eulogy. You never know when you’ll have to give one of those. Like I mean we have a lot of funerals on board. After 30 minutes we’ll come around and you can tell some facts about your partner to everyone
Random new officer in the back – I don’t have anyone at my table. Should I join another table
Wanda – Just take the time to get to know yourself. I mean you look like you do that often enough anyway
The room laughs
Ida-Claire – Yay, this will be fun.
Maddox – So Ida-Claire, what do you do for fun?
Ida-Claire – Well when I am not working at the Cantina, I have been taking Adult Education dance classes. I’m kind of excited, there is a class on the ship here. Oh Maddox you should join us, how fun would that be. I bet your cute little tushie would dance well.
Maddox – I really don’t think you would want to see me dance, it is not a pretty sight. Really not pretty at all
Ida-Claire – Oh when you introduce me talk about how I am dancing, I can do a demonstration for everyone. Maybe we can have Excalibur cue some music
Maddox – That could actually be very very fun, you know instead of like a q and a, we’ll have some t and a
Ida-Claire – You are horrible Maddox, Ah love it. So what do you do for fun?
Maddox – Well I like to take long walks on short piers.
Ida-Claire – But won’t y’all get wet like that. Or do you just go around and round on the pier. Like some kind of circle tour. I guess it would beat walking on the sand. I mean who wants to walk around in sand, it gets everywhere
Maddox – (facepalms then shakes his head) I like puppies
Ida – Claire – oh shug I love animals. I have two cats
Maddox- Cats are evil
Ida-Claire- (shocked face) My little fur babies aren’t evil
Maddox- Look, cats are evil, have you ever looked at how they look at you, in the eyes, like they are looking into your soul whenever they do something mischievous
Ida-Claire- I get you, my baby boy Mint Juleps loves to knock plants of of my shelves.
Maddox- What did I tell you,Evil.
Maddox does a Double take
Maddox- Wait, your cat is named Mint Juleps
Ida – Claire- Sure is shug!! My favorite little bugger named after mah favorite drink
Maddox – Your favorite drink is a Mint Julep? Ida – Claire you are the most southern gal I have ever met.
Ida Claire – Born and Bred, and proud… what about you? What hobbies do you have?
Maddox- I really don’t have any!
Ida Claire- well that’s a shame! But you are great at conversing!
A few minutes later Maddox and Ida Claire are in front of the group
Maddox- Hi! My orientation partner is Ida Claire! She is one of the new hostesses at the Cantina!
Maddox points to Ida Claire
Ida Claire waives
Maddox – Ida-Claire loves Mint Juleps! She has a cat named after her favorite drink, and when not in the Cantina, Ida-Claire is an adult dancer
The room is stunned
Ida-Claire turns bright red
Maddox realizes what he said
Maddox- I mean Ida-Claire is in an adult dance class, and by that I mean Ida-Claire is in a dance class for adults
Ida-Claire- That is right y’all! I love to dance, it helps with all kinds of anxiety
Maddox- And that is my new friend Ida-Claire in a nutshell. No wait this is Ida-Claire- in a nutshell
Maddox mimes being stuck in a nutshell
Ida-Claire- Thanks! This is my new friend Maddox Maddocks! He says his parents named him that because they thought they were funny.
Maddox- It’s true!!!
Ida-Claire- Maddox is going to work with Kate in medical. Maddox has already proven himself to be a great friend
Maddox- Ahh thanks
Ida-Claire- He is also pretty smart and funny Y’all! He was able to get me to see his way on a few things, like a master debater
The room looks at Ida-Claire and she looks puzzled
Maddox (to the room) – I only do that in my quarters, but you should see my arms
The room giggles
Ida-Claire – Thanks for the save Shug! Also just so you all know, the rumors are not true and he does not have the Romero virus.
Maddox – I am just really pale, that’s all
The next morning
Maddox arrives at Medical, he is wearing his duty uniform
Kate – Good morning and welcome to sickbay!
Maddox – I am actually very excited about this assignment! I mean I already have a good feeling about this ship. It is a good ship, such a good ship. It’s so good it should be named Lollipop.
Kate – Wow, Ok. We can ask about that later.
Maddox – I’ll hold you to that
Kate takes him on a tour of sickbay.
Kate – Make sure you take all of this in, there is a test at the end of this tour
Maddox – I really hope not, I didn’t bring a recordable notepad
Kate – I wish I was joking, I hate having to grade these quizzes at the end of the first day
Scene fades comes back later in the shift
Maddox looks at the appointment schedule
Maddox – Oh no Ida-Claire is up next, I think she may have a crush on me
Kate – Whoa..... How could she not know immediately that you don’t like girls. Make sure we run a test on her eyesight and hearing
Maddox (makes shocked face) - I mean I am not that obviously gay
Kate – Not that it matters in this day and age but...... Every time you talk a purse falls out of your mouth
Maddox – But really a purse. Why didn’t you go for the more obvious? Like a penis or something
Kate – Well I was going to say that, then I realized you probably don’t get much action
Maddox – What if I didn’t say anything?
Kate (shaking her head)– No, just no
Maddox – Well I think Ida-Claire is just a little naive, and pretty conservative, I don’t know how she will react if she finds out.
Kate – Alright, go sort the newly arrived meds and I’ll handle her for a few minutes
Ida- Claire walks into medical
Ida-Claire – Hi I am in for my physical
Kate - Have a seat, I’ll have Maddox go over you with the scanner
Ida-Claire – I like Maddox. But does he even know what to do with it?
Kate – Well, do you mean the scanner or you?
Ida-Claire – What do ya mean Doc? Maddox is a sweet guy!
Kate – You know he prefers the company of gentlemen
Ida-Claire – I mean, who doesn’t
Kate – (looks at Ida-Claire with a puzzled look) I mean he likes to kiss boys
Ida – Claire – But he is so pale? I thought those boys were supposed to be prettier
Kate – I know it does make it more complicated when people don’t fit easily into stereotypes
Ida – Claire – Ah know, I thought he was a little more considerate than that, that’s the second time this has happened on this ship
Kate- Second time? You have only been here for a week.
Ida – Claire – Ah thought the shuttle bay operator was flirting with me
Kate- Julio? I mean he’s cute but grumpy as hell.
Ida Claire- Ah know, I spent the day up in the shuttle day bothering him
Kate – You know he marked Maddox as Dead in the system! He only does that when he finds someone really annoying ……
Ida – Claire – or really cute
Kate – I am sure with Maddox it’s a little of both
Maddox walks in the room.
Maddox – And what were you ladies talking about
Ida – Claire looks at Kate
Ida – Claire- Maybe you were right.
They both laugh
Kate – Ida – Claire you are fit for duty
Ida-Claire- Thanks Doc!
As Ida-Claire leaves heads towards the door in medical, the door opens. Lt. Julio Esquire walks in to the room
Kate looks at Ida – Claire and they both giggle
Kate- How can I help you Lt. Esquire?
Julio – I woke up today with a headache that just won’t go away.
Kate- Alright into room one , I will have my new assistant check on you in a moment
Julio walks into Room One.
Kate- Maddox come here for a minute
Maddox walks up
Maddox- Yes Kate?
Kate- I have a patient for you in Room One
Kate puts her hand on Maddox’s wrist
Kate- it’s Lt. Esquire
Maddox- Just my luck, you know Excalibur was trying to set me up with him the other night
Kate- We’ll what do computers know
Maddox- Ok but if I end up dead again, avenge me (louder with more emotion) Avenge Me
Kate – remind me to tell Ida -Claire she was right when I see her later
Maddox- What was she right about?
Kate- the part were she tells me that you are annoying
Maddox fakes a shocked/ hurt look on her face
Medical Bay Room One
Julio is sitting awkwardly in the side chairs waiting for an assistant to enter the room
Julio – Excalibur, I mean am I supposed to just wait here, I mean am I supposed to take of my clothes and but on one of these gowns that are hanging on the walls
Excalibur- If I were you I would definitely change into the robe
Julio- But that just seems kind of awkward
Excalibur- Everything seems awkward to you
Julio – Aren’t you supposed to be programmed to be helpful?
Excalibur- That is an invalid assumption
Julio – obviously
Julio starts to change into the gown as Excalibur instruct him to
Maddox walks into the room as Julio has taken his shirt off
Maddox stares at him for a second
Maddox- Oh I am sorry, I didn’t realize you were changing. Why are you changing?
Julio – The computer told me to. I don’t know why though
Maddox – I find Excalibur is a bit of an asshole.
Excalibur- (Quietly) Deal with it suckers
Maddox- See what I mean!
Julio – Total dick move Excalibur
Maddox – Hi I am Maddox
Julio- I know, we have met
Maddox – I know I just want to forget all of the trouble you caused me. Everyone is calling me Romero boy.
Julio- oh I get it, because you are so pale, and you were dead
Maddox- Ha ha ha…..
Julio - I mean you really are pale, how is that even possible? Do you like never even go out into the sun, like ever
Maddox - Ok, but seriously why are you here?
Julio- You know I a migraine until just now.
Maddox- Until just now? Did I scare it out of you? I mean I know I am the hilarious zombie boy and all so maybe I ……
Julio – No, I am sorry you helped by making me laugh. I have not done that in awhile, so thanks
Maddox looks taken aback
Maddox- Let me scan you anyway to make sure you are not going to die or anything
Julio- Ok thanks
Maddox – And you can put your shirt back on, just because I still think you are a jerk and don’t want to not think that yet.
Julio puts his shirt back on while Maddox scans him in silence
Maddox- Ok it looks like you have had a stress related migraine, it seems to be clearing up naturally. I am going to get you some NightAll so you can sleep
Julio – Ok thanks!
Maddox – And Please don’t mark me as dead again….
Julio walks towards the door. Right as he gets to the door frame he turns towards Maddox.
Julio – Hopefully I can at some point change your mind about me being a jerk
After the door closes behind him Maddox smiles
Maddox- He is still a jerk but …..
Later in the main medical bay
Kate- whew we have been slammed all day
Maddox – Who knew that there would be an outbreak of Andromeda Pox
Kate – And how many people screeched when they first saw you?
Maddox- Ok so if you tell people to be on the lookout for your medical assistant who has been acting strange since vacationing in the Romero system what do you expect
Kate - Oh come on, just a little first day initiation
Maddox – Lt. Kelly hit me with a frying pan
Kate- Ok but I was able to treat the swelling
Maddox – Why was there a frying pan in Room 3
Kate – We’ll never know I guess
Maddox – Seriously though, am I that pale?
Kate – You are nearly translucent, maybe a tropical vacation somewhere will help
Maddox – But, I just got here!
Kate – Ugh you did didn’t you, it feels like forever already. I already need a vacation from you
Kate smiles as she says this
Maddox – Just remember how much you hate hiring
Kate – I really do hate paperwork, yuck
Maddox- And maybe you like me already
Kate – Let’s get you to survive the first week
Maddox – is it really is that bad here?
Scene fades to black
Officers Cantina later that night
At the table is Kate, Wanda, and Maddox
Wanda- Guess what? I am now head of Starship Resources
Kate- Congratulations!!! How did that happen? We did not get Commander Pond down in the Medical Bay
Wanda – Tamika got a transfer off of Excalibur
Kate- Holy shit! You can actually get off of this boat without dying?!?
Maddox – Seriously, they should put this stuff in the brochure
Wanda – They do. Didn’t you read it?
Maddox – I was just randomly applying everywhere.
Wanda – They flash a warning at the end of the application process.
Maddox- Who reads all of that information
Kate – Most people do.
Wanda – Well then Maddox baby, you ended up in the right place
Maddox- How did you guys end up here?
Kate – I had an affair with my bosses wife, and got caught
Maddox- Who was your boss? How did they have that kind of pull
Kate- President Esquire, I was his personal physician.
Maddox – Seriously that’s awful
Wanda – I was in fleet resources at headquarters. I was a promising recruiter. I just received a promotion to head of recruiting
Maddox- Wow that’s a huge deal
Wanda- That it was. Until I realized I admitted the notorious Kitty Griffin into space fleet
Kate- That was you? I remember the scandal. Mister Esquire was not happy.
Wanda- In my haste I overlooked her psyche report
Maddox- Oh I think I heard of that. Didn’t she have an affair with Mrs. Esquire
Kate – Ok, who didn’t?
Wanda- That wasn’t the worst of it. She was caught trying to murder the Commander of the Fleet
Kate- Wait was that really the case?
Maddox – All of this murder talk! I may not sleep tonight!
Wanda – That’s what she was charged with! But really she released pictures of her playing a holo program on instasnapbook tm
Maddox- Oh wasn’t she just playing Gorge Forces?
Wanda- Yes but the Fleet was so embarrassed that they wanted to find a scapegoat, I didn’t notice a discrepancy in her exam records so I squarely got the blame.
Ida-Claire walks up to the table
Ida-Claire – Are y’all talking about how y’all ended up on Excalibur?
Maddox – Apparently, like I am the only one who didn’t realize what a shit assignment this was
Ida-Claire – I didn’t hear but I figured you just didn’t read any of the reviews when you signed up
Maddox – Gahh I didn’t realize I was so transparent
Ida-Claire – Y’all are pale but not that pale
Kate and Wanda laugh
Wanda- Yass!! Ida-Claire you are alright!
Kate- Ida-Claire ! Ida-Claire! Ida-Claire!
Maddox- Ugh this is not fair! Not fair at all teaming up on me!
The door opens to the Cantina
Lance, Kale, and several security officers walk in
Maddox dreamily stares at Lance
Ida-Claire – Good god you got it bad
Kate- Seriously not going to happen
Wanda- And even if it did it would only be for a moment
Maddox- But what a moment that would be
The Cantina doors open
Julio Esquire walks in and takes a seat in the corner
Kate- Now that’s a first
Wanda- Yeah in the years we have been on the same ship, I have never seen him in the Cantina
Ida – Claire – He’s kind of a jerk
Wanda- Actually I have had a few conversations with him, he is absolutely a sweetheart
Maddox- Yeah he caused me a lot of trouble on my first day
Kate – I don’t know that’s classic. I wish I had thought of it
Ida-Claire leaves to take his order
Wanda- Too bad he’s a jerk. He is an attractive son of a gun
Maddox- I mean he is, and when he was in medical Excalibur was making him strip into gowns when I walked in
Kate – That’s why we alert before we go in
Maddox – I know I just didn’t think there would be any reason too
Kate- So what did you see?
Maddox- He was just shirtless
Wanda- Yummy Those cute little muscles of his his
Maddox – No Wanda, don’t humanize him, no no no
Ida-Claire comes over with drinks for the whole table
Ida-Claire- A round of drinks
Kate- Who do we owe the round of thanks to?
Ida-Claire- Well you are not going to believe this
Maddox- Oh don’t tell me …..
Ida- Claire- Anonymous, just with a note for Maddox
Maddox takes the note and it reads
“Just a little to help you see me as less of a jerk and more human “
Maddox – Aww see, now I just can’t hate people, they just always try to make it up
Wanda- Who is it from?
Maddox- Just some jerk from the other day
Kate- Who Lt. Jelly?
Maddox – No that will take much more than that to make it up. Ida-Claire if you see Anonymous again let them know Thanks, they are still a jerk, but that was a really really nice sweet gesture
Ida-Claire- Oooh, I am rooting for you and Anonymous to hook up
Maddox- Ugh But Anonymous is a jerk and I am busy looking at eye candy anyway
Maddox looks across the room at the security group
Kate- They sure are pretty
Wanda- Hmph is sure would like a bite of their chicken wings
Maddox- That’s an odd analogy especially for SR
Wanda side eyes Maddox
Ida-Claire – Ooh I sure wouldn’t mind them using their stirrer to mix my cocktail
Kate- I wouldn’t mind breaking out my penicillin for them
Maddox – Wait what is that even sexy?
Kate- You are a total buzzkill
Maddox – Ugh drinking with your boss is never a good idea.
Maddox finishes up his drink
Maddox – Time for Maddox to go get some beauty sleep
Wanda- Wanda thinks that Maddox is a pussy for going to bed so early
Kate- Wait aren’t you head of SR
Wanda- I am off the clock! If you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the Cantina!
Maddox- Seriously I am off like a prom dress!!!
Maddox gets up to leave
Maddox eyes Lt. Esquire and walks out the door
Corridor outside of the Cantina
Maddox waits on the other side of the door
Julio walks out of the Cantina
Maddox pushes Julio against the bulkhead behind him
Julio leans in and kisses Maddox
After a moment Maddox pulls away
Maddox – Ok enough, you are still a jerk
Julio – Sorry I find you irresistible for some reason
Maddox – I keep telling people it’s my personality that draws people in, definitely not my looks
Julio- You aren’t that bad …..
Maddox puts his finger to Julio’s mouth
Maddox- I swear to god if you tell me I am just pale this ship will need a new shuttle operator
Julio – Ok, I won’t, I won’t
Maddox – See still a jerk
Julio – Let me make it up to you, and buy you dinner.
Maddox- I don’t know. That start you had will take some time to get over
Julio – Sooo, really can I actually see you sometime
Maddox – Maybe, I’ll have to think on it
Julio – Ugh seriously….
Julio leans in for a kiss. Maddox acts like he is leaning in and then puts his hand over his mouth
Maddox- Maybe, not right now
Maddox walks away. As soon as his back is to Julio his face lights up in a huge smile
The next morning in the shuttle bay
Julio is working at his console
Lance walks in
Lance- Lt. Esquire, how long until the new crew is scheduled to arrive?
Julio – They are due in three hours at 1100
Lance- Thanks Lt.
Julio – Can ask I you something?
Lance- look you are ok looking and rich but I am really not into…..
Julio – No, that’s nowhere near what I was going to say! I mean seriously do you think everyone just hits on you?
Lance – I mean it is a common problem for me. I think it’s happened to me 80% of the time I talk to someone
Julio – I mean you are ok I guess but I don’t see 80% of the ship fawning over you
Lance – Sir, I beg to disagree.
Julio – Okee Dokee, anyways I was going to ask you what you knew about your roommate
Lance – No need to worry sir, he is just that dull and translucent all the time, he doesn’t have the Romero virus, he’s just sort of creepy.
Julio – Creepy? How so?
Lance- He often looks at me like I am some sort of dessert to eat! Then I have to convince myself that he doesn’t have the Romero 5 virus all over again
Julio – Maybe he just had a little crush on you is all
Lance – But then why hasn’t he just tried to fondle or feel me up like everyone else
Julio – Seriously, people just walk up to you and do that?
Lance- More often than you would think
Julio – Why don’t you repot them to Starship resources
Lance - Then I would be a whiner and not appreciative
Julio- Well besides creepy, what else do you know?
Lance – Why are you asking sir? Is this a secret report for your uncle? Is Maddox a spy for the zombie nation?
Julio – No ensign, Maddox is not a spy for the imaginary zombie empire
Lance – But there is proof of Romero 5 having had a human civilization that was wiped out by a virus that was classified as zombieism
Julio- That’s not the point I was trying to make
Lance – Sir then what possible interest would you have in Maddox?
Julio – Ensign I was just asking on a personal level
Lance – Isn’t he a little below your station in life if you don’t mind me saying
Julio – That’s ridiculous Lance, power and money aren’t everything, not even the tip of the iceberg
Lance – Well he seems to think you are a huge jerk so good luck with changing his mind without money
Julio- I don’t think that is how Maddox works, that money matters to him
Lance- Sir, when people find out how rich you really are it always matters
Julio – Unfortunately you are usually right
Lance – You could always give me all your money and not worry about that
Julio- I wish I could, it’s some trust that none of us really own but have access too
Lance- I don’t know that I can really feel bad for you.
Julio – Usually people don’t. You are relieved Ensign! Return around 1100 for the crew transfers
Lance walks out the shuttle bay
Later that evening, Tele-Porter room
Doug Jacobs walks in
Jacobs – Hi, I am new here I left some items on the station
Tell-Porter Operator – Yes Sir! It is so boring down here, I am glad to do this
Jacobs – I am surprised Excalibur has a Tele-Porter operator, can’t the computer just do it for us?
Tele-Porter Operator – But you need skilled hands if something goes wrong!
Jacobs – ohh. Ok
Tele-Porter Operator – Beginning sequence
He presses a few buttons , the Lt. Starts to fade away
Excalibur makes error noises
Tele-porter Operator – Oh no not again! I forgot to set a destination
He types frantically
Excalibur makes more error noises
Tele-Porter Operator- Well I guess he was right
He re-emerges a charred looking corpse
Tele-Porter Operator – Excalibur, Who is the new guy who died?
Excalibur- Which one?
TO – The one who died and came back just now
Excalibur- Maddox Maddocks
TO operator - Tele-Room to Medical
Scene fades to black
Maddox’s quarters, the next morning
Sickbay the next morning
Maddox walks in
Kate sees Maddox and screams
Maddox – Hi? What’s wrong?
Kate – Ugh Seriously you keep dying on us
Maddox – What are you talking about?
Kate hands Maddox a tablet
Maddox – Wait what?
He says as he reads Aloud
Maddox – New Officer Maddox Maddocks dies in tele-porter accident
Kate – How are you here now? Are you a ghost?
Maddox – But where was I going? Is this Julio’s doing? Seriously I thought we had an understanding
Maddox taps his communication device
Maddox – Maddocks to Lt. Esquire
Computer makes error noise
Excalibur – How are you dead again?
Maddox – If you know I am not really dead then please put me through to Esquire
Excalibur – Sorry, cannot comply, officer is deceased
Kate – Ugh, all the paperwork I am going to have to do.
Maddox – Kate can you please call Esquire to the medical bay
Kate- Why is this ghost so bossy?
Maddox looks at her angrily
Kate – Fine
Kate presses her communication device
Kate- Medical to Lt. Esquire
Julio- Esquire here
Kate – Can you report to medical?
Julio – Of course, on my way
Kate – Thanks
Maddox – Seriously I am going to kill this guy
Kate – Are you going to haunt me for eternity ?
Maddox- Kate, I am not dead
Kate – Then what about the body
Maddox looks shocked
Maddox – Wait there is a body?
Kate – Yes, the tele-porter recombined most of you.
Maddox – Wait then why are you going to let me yell at Julio
Kate – Seriously you are a ghost, ghosts are scary. If a ghost tells me to do something then I do it
Maddox – But I clearly remember yesterday….. and I went home after the Cantina
Kate – Do you want to see your body you are in exam room 3, there is no frying pan in there today
Maddox walks into Exam Room Three
Maddox looks at the body on the table, it is severely damaged and burnt looking
Shaking his head he reaches out and touches the body , reaching out to hold his hand, he notices a clear piece of skin(unburnt ) with a tattoo of a butterfly on it
Maddox – Wait I hate butterflies! I would never get one tattooed on my wrist! Its not me! Yay
Maddox jumps for joy
Maddox- Oh shit, didn’t Lt. Jacobs have a butterfly tattoo
The main medical bay
Julio Esquire walks into the room
Kate- Julio! I forgot you were on your way!
Julio – Must be a rough day for you as well
Kate – You wouldn’t believe how rough it’s been
Julio – Kate, how did this happen? Why did this happen?
Kate – Well he seems to think that you did it?
Julio – What are you talking about ?
Maddox walks out of Examination Room 3
Julio sees Maddox and runs over to him and wraps him in a big hug
Julio- Holy shit!!! You aren’t dead! How?
Julio excitedly gives Maddox a passionate kiss
Maddox pulls away after a minute
Maddox – No I am not dead. But the shock of that just might kill me
Julio releases his hold on Maddox
Julio – Sorry, my emotions overcame my senses.
Maddox – Yeah well jerks will let that happen sometimes. I guess I should have known you didn’t do this as a prank
Julio – You insult my skills at the prank with that remark, only an amateur prankster pulls a double prank like that
Kate – Ugh, too much Julio and his jerk nature too early in the morning. Esquire, take Maddox to SR to get the paperwork fixed
Julio and Maddox are walking quietly
Maddox – Ok, so are we just not going to talk about what happened in Medical?
Julio – I mean that was not the first time we kissed, right? It was the second.
Maddox – Ok but like the first one was just like this weird attraction thing we have going on, but Julio that was a little but, I don’t know ….. Wow
Julio – I mean really? I thought you were dead
Maddox – And that would bother you right?
They both stop walking
Julio – Why are you being like this?
Maddox – You mean charming and impish?
Julio – Obviously you know I like you.
Maddox – Yup, that is pretty obvious. But I still don’t know about you.
Julio – So is this like you don’t know if you think you could possibly like me or are you just just trying to play some cutesy hard to get game.
Maddox – You know, I may never know
Maddox walks to the doors to walk into SR
Maddox presses the door button and gets an error
Excalibur (minorly amoused) – Error officer listed as deceased
Maddox hangs his head in defeat
Julio goes to the door and opens it
Julio – Well if you ever figure it out, you know where to find me
The door closes
End of episode One